One of the unhealthiest emotions is our old friend anger.
It has been connected with cancer and it destroys our ability to think clearly.
Yogesh Sharda explains how we can manage it better.
What is anger, can it be overcome, and indeed should we even try?
If
one were to ask a selection of people what triggers their anger I
suspect there would be a wide range of answers. However one thing I am
certain of is that whatever the cause, even a single word spoken in
anger can leave an impression on a person’s heart that may remain for a
long time, and has the ability to ruin the beauty of any relationship.
A
famous sage once said, “How can there be peace on earth if the hearts
of men are like volcanoes?” If within the person there can be peace
and freedom from anger, only then can they live in harmony with
others. So how can we set about creating that sense of peace within
ourselves?
It starts with the realisation that we do have the
choice to think and feel the way we want to. If we look at what it is
that makes us angry we might discover there is nothing that has the
power to make us feel this way. We can only allow something to trigger
our anger—the anger is how we respond to some event or somebody. But
because we are so used to reacting on impulse, we forget to choose how
we want to feel, and then respond inappropriately, leaving ourselves
with angry feelings.
Have you ever heard someone saying: “I
really hate it when you speak like that to me?” Or how about, “How many
times do I have to tell you to do it like this?” One lesson I have
learned is that, try as I might, I can never control circumstances,
people or situations, as they are constantly changing. The only thing
I can control is the way I choose to respond. Only I can increase my
capacity to tolerate; only I can develop my ability to understand; and
only I can nurture my love for others regardless of whether one day
they praise me and the next they defame me. Modern-day life comes with
a whole host of challenges. In facing these I have come to see every
interaction within our world as part of one large drama or game. And
within this drama, every single individual has their own unique part to
play, which is essentially an expression of their own inner self. As I
come to accept this, rather than spending my time keeping an eye on
what others are doing, I can begin to use my energy to play my own part
to the best of my ability. I realise that I cannot possess or own the
behaviour of others, because if I do, this will ultimately lead to
conflict. Instead I need to practise the understanding that regardless
of whatever action a person may be doing, according to their own part
within the play there is some reason why they are behaving in that
way. Therefore I should try not to jump to conclusions too easily; and
rather than trying to control another person’s behaviour, it will be
far easier and more productive for me to focus my energy on my own
actions.
So what is so wrong in judging in their actions?
There is a danger that if we become too concerned with their activity,
we may begin to feel anger toward that person, which may lead to
dislike for them. We put them into some kind of box, and fix a label
on them. Then whenever we come into contact with that person, we will
see him or her in the light of their past mistake. But in doing this,
we are effectively imprisoning them in their past actions. However if
we allow the person the dignity of actually growing out of their own
mistake—if our vision allows them to do that—then, sooner or later, it
is possible for people to change.
This concept of life being a
drama can help us to detach ourselves from what’s happening around us,
and this detachment or space is of great help in learning not to make
judgements so quickly about others. If we create a small space, a
healthy space between ourself and the drama of life, we find that that
space acts like a buffer. Neither will we jump out and grab someone’s
throat, nor will the drama of life be able to suddenly grab us
unawares.
This is one of the many benefits of practising
meditation. It helps us to create personal space within ourselves so
that we have the chance to look, weigh up the situation, and respond
accordingly, through remaining in a state of self-control. When we are
angry, we have no self-control. At that moment we are in a state of
internal chaos, and the anger can be a very destructive force.
It
is often said that anger can be a useful thing. People say, “Look at
all the problems in the world, surely unless someone got angry about it
nothing would happen?” It reminds me of the story about an old man
sitting by a river and talking to a group of his disciples. His hand
was stretched out behind him and an insect came crawling along and bit
him badly. As it did so, it slipped and fell into the river. This old
man looked behind him and saw the insect struggling in the river, so he
picked it up and placed it back on the ground. A few minutes later,
the same insect crawled over to his hand and bit him on the finger, and
again slipped over and fell into the river. The old man looked round,
picked it up, and placed it back on the ground. When this happened a
third time, one of his disciples said to him, “Master why do you do
this? The insect bites you and yet you save it. Why do you not let it
drown and it then it won’t be able to bite you?” He replied “It is in
the insect’s nature to bite, it is in my nature to save”. Similarly,
someone’s nature might be to criticise, or to backbite, or even to
challenge us. Yet that is completely out of our hands. We can only do
what it is that we have to do. We can’t justify a negative action by
saying, “Oh well, you do the same thing too.” If we say that, then we
are saying, “I will only grow and change when you decide to grow and
change, it’s in your hands.” But can growth ever happen like that? If
we wait for each other to change it is likely we will be waiting an
extremely long time.
Sometimes anger is used as a kind of
self-defence mechanism, a sentry guard standing outside the fortress
walls of our inner selves. When anybody tries to attack or criticise
us, anger pops up and demands, “Who do you think you are? Look at
you!” Anger reacts. Anger is the emotion which tries to hold all the
other illusions together. If anyone tries to attack what we believe in
or care about, anger comes out to chase them away. This is an example
of using anger to protect our simulated self, our sense of ego.
However, by recognising ourselves as spiritual beings, and through the
awareness and experience of the beauty of our true nature, our
dependency on other people’s approval reduces as we rediscover an inner
stillness and stability. Thus the need for anger as our protector is
eliminated.
This form of stability can create a firm
foundation, a kind of positive stubbornness. Others can say whatever
they want, and it may also be true, but we don’t lose our peace or
happiness for any reason. This is to respect what is eternal within
each of us. We give ourselves the opportunity to maintain our own
peace of mind, because let’s face it, no-one’s going to turn up at our
door with a box full of peace and say, “Here, I think you could do with
some of this today!”
There is a particular story about Buddha
which illustrates an important principle. Buddha was under the tree of
enlightenment when someone who had heard that the Buddha was an
enlightened person came along to test his self-control. He came in
front of Buddha and started swearing at him, calling him all the names
under the sun and yet there was no reaction. Some time later this
person got a bit tired so he went off and had a rest and came back and
had a second go. He abused Buddha’s family and hurled every insult he
could think of but there was still no reaction. He grew very tired and
so asked Buddha, “I am defaming you every way I can think of, and yet
you do not say anything back at me”. Buddha looked up at him and said,
“If someone gives you a gift, but you don't accept it, then who is the
gift left with?”
This highlights a crucial insight. We have a
choice. If we have taken sorrow from someone, we cannot blame the other
person and say, “It’s your fault, you spoke to me like this”. We
recognise that we do have a choice in every moment. We can use our
intellect as a filter to decide what we are going to allow to enter,
and what we are going to prevent from coming inside and affecting me.
Broadly
speaking, there are two methods which people suggest one should try and
deal with anger. Some say if you’re feeling angry, then be angry as a
way of expression—let it out. And indeed, at that moment we do become
free from the anger, because we have let it out. However, as we deepen
our understanding and experience of the way in which our consciousness
works, we realise that the more we do something, the deeper that habit
becomes. So tomorrow we will find it easier to become angry because we
have already done it today. It is like a smoker trying to give up
cigarettes. When he feels like smoking, he smokes, and so he doesn’t
feel like smoking any more. Nice idea. But instead of removing that
desire, the act of smoking has only temporarily fulfilled it, and the
habit has taken an even firmer grip such that tomorrow the desire will
be even stronger. So expression doesn’t transform the habit or
feeling.
Another suggestion people might make is that you
should suppress anger. If you feel yourself getting angry, stop
yourself, suppress it. But this is the pressure cooker situation. I
just get more and more heated up inside until I explode! I can only
ever suppress for a certain period of time. And actually when I am
suppressing, I am really pushing those fears and emotions into my
subconscious, from where they will emerge in another form, rather like
weeds.
But there is a third method, which could be described as
sublimation, or the changing of form. Through the daily practice and
application of spiritual principles in our practical life, the
experience of our own inner peace can become a very natural. In this
way, just as the form of water can be changed from solid to liquid to
gas, so too the energy which was previously being used to express and
feed anger, can also be changed to the force behind the expression of
determination or courage instead. Rather than being angry with someone
to prove a point, we can learn to be assertive. Assertiveness contains
respect for oneself, whereas anger shows respect for neither the self
nor others. Only by ridding ourself of anger can we become free to
experience the peace of our true spiritual nature.
There is a
story about Alexander the Great, as he was about to return to Greece
from India. Since he had been told to bring a yogi back with him, he
went searching into the forest. Eventually he found one sitting under a
tree and quietly sat down next to him. After some time, the yogi
opened his eyes. Alexander said to him “I want you to come back to
Greece with me”. The yogi just looked at him. Alexander continued,
“If you come with me you’ll have your own people to attend to your
needs and you will be well known throughout the land”. Yet the yogi
explained that he had no desire to go. So the exasperated Alexander
drew his sword and shouted, “Do you not realise who I am, I am
Alexander the great conqueror and if I want I can cut you up into
pieces!” The yogi smiled and replied, “You have made two statements,
neither of which is true. Firstly you cannot cut me into pieces; you
may be able to injure my body, but I am the eternal soul, deathless,
immortal. And secondly, you say you are Alexander the great conqueror,
but may I tell you that in fact, you are nothing more than the slave of
my slave”. Alexander put his sword out to him and demanded the yogi
explain himself. The yogi said “I have conquered anger through the
process of meditation, and yet look how easily anger gets the better of
you. Anger is my slave and you have become the slave of anger.” I
never did find out what Alexander did to that yogi!
Yogesh
Sharda is a teacher of meditation and spiritual development currently
based in Istanbul as a co-ordinator of the Brahma Kumaris Centre there.